Episode guide
Two and a Half Men
262 episodes · 12 seasons · 2003–2015 · CBS
Season
Season 1
24 episodes
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S01E01 Pilot Carefree jingle writer Charlie Harper has his lifestyle altered when his uptight brother and his 10-year-old nephew move in with him.
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S01E02 Big Flappy Bastards Despite warnings from Charlie, Jake continues to feed seagulls on the deck and the birds invade the house. Meanwhile, Charlie thinks Judith is taking advantage of Alan, who keeps going to her house to fix things.
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S01E03 Go East on Sunset Until You Reach the Gates of Hell Jake wants to go home to his mom after he gets sick, prompting Alan to think he's a failure as a husband and now as a father.
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S01E04 If I Can't Write My Chocolate Song I'm Going to Take a Nap Charlie can't function when his housekeeper storms off because of Alan's constant complaints, so Alan tries desperately to woo her back. Meanwhile, Rose comes to Charlie for dating advice.
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S01E05 The Last Thing You Want Is to Wind Up with a Hump Alan and Charlie have encounters with some highly libidinous soccer moms, but with two very different outcomes.
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S01E06 Did You Check with the Captain of the Flying Monkeys? The guys go to Evelyn's house to meet the new man she's dating, and Charlie realizes the man's daughter is a woman he's trying to avoid.
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S01E07 If They Do Go Either Way, They're Usually Fake Judith is upset with Alan and Charlie when she learns that a surfer who uses Charlie's shower walks around half naked in front of Jake . Then Alan's worried when Judith and the surfer become friends.
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S01E08 Twenty-Five Little Pre-pubers Without a Snoot-ful Alan tricks Charlie into joining him and Judith in leading Jake and his classmates in the school's annual music show.
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S01E09 Phase One, Complete Charlie is convinced that a woman who spent the night with him wants to turn their relationship into something serious after she befriends Jake and Evelyn.
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S01E10 Merry Thanksgiving When Charlie's favorite ex announces that she is going to get married Charlie attempts to win her back. Tensions arise at a family Thanksgiving.
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S01E11 Alan Harper, Frontier Chiropractor When Alan is surprised to see that Judith has had a makeover and is dating a man, he decides to have Charlie help him transform his image.
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S01E12 Camel Filters + Pheromones Berta's granddaughter spends the day at Charlie's, which isn't a problem until he learns she's a beautiful, rebellious 16-year-old.
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S01E13 Sarah Like Puny Alan Charlie nurses an ailing Alan back to health so they can go on a double date with two sisters, one of whom Charlie's been wanting to date for a long time.
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S01E14 I Can't Afford Hyenas Charlie's financial manager informs the carefree jingle writer that he spends money faster than his royalty checks come in, and now he must go on a budget.
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S01E15 Round One to the Hot Crazy Chick (1) Despite Alan's warning, Charlie falls for a seemingly crazy woman named Frankie that he meets at the garage.
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S01E16 That Was Saliva, Alan (2) Charlie is perplexed when Frankie, the mysterious woman temporarily living in the Harper household, begins falling for Alan and not him.
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S01E17 Ate the Hamburgers, Wearing the Hats Charlie's still brooding over Alan's choice of their cousin as Jake's guardian if both parents die when the boy has an accident while in his care and has to be rushed to the hospital.
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S01E18 An Old Flame with a New Wick One of Charlie's ex-girlfriends is now a man. It gets better: He starts dating Evelyn, who's clueless about his past history with her son.
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S01E19 I Remember the Coatroom, I Just Don't Remember You Judith's devious siren sister stirs things up at Jake's 11th birthday party when she hits on Alan. Meanwhile, Evelyn brings alcohol and has a party of her own.
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S01E20 Hey, I Can Pee Outside in the Dark Jake's sullen mood baffles and bothers the family and prompts Alan and Judith to take him to a child psychologist.
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S01E21 No Sniffing, No Wowing Charlie plays a tricky game when he gets involved with Alan's divorce lawyer, who could make things difficult for Alan if she were, say, dumped by a self-centered lothario.
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S01E22 My Doctor Has a Cow Puppet When Charlie discovers that Alan is sleepwalking, he believes it's related to his brother's lack of sex following his divorce, and comes up with a cure.
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S01E23 Just Like Buffalo When Jake repeats one of Charlie's sexist remarks in front of Judith's support group, the women convince Judith to stop Jake's visits with his dad and Charlie.
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S01E24 Can You Feel My Finger? Charlie has a pregnancy scare involving one of his one-night stands and decides to go for the big "V," and we're not talking Vegas.
Season
Season 2
24 episodes
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S02E01 Back Off, Mary Poppins When Alan discovers that Charlie is a member of an exclusive men's support group, he begs his brother to let him join.
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S02E02 Enjoy Those Garlic Balls Alan overzealously tries to push Judith's new relationship to the next level after Charlie mentions that he'll be off the hook for alimony if Judith remarries.
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S02E03 A Bag Full of Jawea Charlie tries to save Jake from school suspension by romancing his teacher, with unfortunate results.
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S02E04 Go Get Mommy's Bra Charlie discovers that he made a big mistake when he lends Evelyn his Mercedes for a day in exchange for her hybrid car.
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S02E05 Bad News from the Clinic? Charlie falls head over heels for a woman who is better at playing hard to get than he is.
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S02E06 The Price of Healthy Gums Is Eternal Vigilance When Charlie confesses playing a nasty trick on Alan when they were younger, Alan's self image is turned upside down.
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S02E07 A Kosher Slaughterhouse Out in Fontana Charlie and Alan employ Berta's crazy sister to cater a party that Evelyn has cornered them into throwing for her.
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S02E08 Frankenstein and the Horny Villagers Alan meets a woman at the supermarket who introduces him to the kind of fantastic sex life Charlie is accustomed to.
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S02E09 Yes, Monsignor Charlie's ex-girlfriend comes back into his life with a little more baggage than when she left.
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S02E10 The Salmon Under My Sweater Jake helps Charlie write a theme song for a new cartoon, and things heat up between Alan and Rose.
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S02E11 Last Chance to See Those Tattoos Charlie finds out that his promiscuous lifestyle has become the subject of an angry web site.
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S02E12 A Lung Full of Alan Alan's platonic high school girlfriend comes back into his life and creates contention between he and Charlie.
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S02E13 Zejdz Zmoich Wlosow When Judith's pipes burst due to an earthquake, Alan invites her to stay with him at Charlie's house.
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S02E14 Those Big Pink Things with Coconuts Evelyn takes drastic measures to get back into her sons' and grandson's lives after Alan forbids her to see Jake.
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S02E15 Smell the Umbrella Stand Charlie tries to take Alan and Jake to Las Vegas in order to distract Alan from an impending medical procedure.
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S02E16 Can You Eat Human Flesh with Wooden Teeth? An already stressed Alan is pushed to the limit when Judith leaves Jake with him while she goes on vacation.
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S02E17 Woo-Hoo, a Hernia Exam! After Charlie injures his back during sex, Alan takes him to the doctor.
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S02E18 It was 'Mame,' Mom Charlie makes Alan pose as his life partner at a business party thrown by a gay ad executive.
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S02E19 A Low, Guttural Tongue-Flapping Noise Alan goes on a date with one of Charlie's ex-girlfriends.
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S02E20 I Always Wanted a Shaved Monkey Unable to express the anger they have toward the women in their lives, Charlie and Alan take it out on each other.
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S02E21 A Sympathetic Crotch to Cry On Charlie, Alan and Jake accompany Evelyn to her second-husband's funeral.
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S02E22 That Old Hose Bag Is My Mother Alan goes on a nightmarish blind date in order to repay a debt to his mother.
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S02E23 Squab, Squab, Squab, Squab, Squab Alan reluctantly leaves Jake at Evelyn's for a sleepover and winds up partying with Charlie and a busload of beautiful female volleyball players.
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S02E24 Does This Smell Funny to You? Charlie unknowingly sleeps with an elderly man's hot young trophy wife.
Season
Season 3
24 episodes
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S03E01 Weekend in Bangkok with Two Olympic Gymnasts After Alan falls off the roof trying to fix the satellite dish, Charlie volunteers to look after Jake for the weekend.
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S03E02 Principal Gallagher's Lesbian Lover Charlie turns Alan's chiropractic office into a brothel while Alan tries to avoid offending a large-breasted woman.
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S03E03 Carpet Burns and a Bite Mark Charlie organizes an intervention to keep Alan from reuniting with Judith.
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S03E04 Your Dismissive Attitude Toward Boobs Berta moves in for a few days and sets Charlie and Alan at each others' throats.
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S03E05 We Called It Mr. Pinky Bout of impotence causes Charlie to reexamine his feelings toward women.
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S03E06 Hi, Mr. Horned One Alan is convinced that Charlie's new girlfriend has put an evil curse on him.
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S03E07 Sleep Tight, Puddin' Pop Rose's father confronts Charlie about his intentions towards his daughter.
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S03E08 That Voodoo That I Do Do Charlie cons Jake into taking ballet lessons in order to get close to the teacher.
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S03E09 Madame and Her Special Friend Wealthy, elderly woman sets her sights on Alan.
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S03E10 Something Salted and Twisted Charlie helps Alan cope with his lifelong obsession to get women's approval.
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S03E11 Santa's Village of the Damned Alan dates a Martha Stewart-like woman who takes over the house during the Christmas holidays.
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S03E12 That Special Tug Alan's emotional breakdown sends Charlie into therapy.
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S03E13 Humiliation Is a Visual Medium Charlie must deal with the challenges of a committed relationship that is not based on sex.
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S03E14 Love Isn't Blind, It's Retarded Charlie plans the ultimate romantic evening with Mia, and Alan dates a much younger woman.
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S03E15 My Tongue Is Meat Charlie's lifestyle causes tension with Mia.
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S03E16 Ergo, the Booty Call Alan tries to avoid bringing his sexy 22-year-old girlfriend to Jake's birthday party.
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S03E17 The Unfortunate Little Schnauser Charlie is nominated for an advertising award against his arch nemesis who always wins.
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S03E18 The Spit-Covered Cobbler Alan becomes financially strapped when he starts paying his young girlfriend's bills.
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S03E19 Golly Moses, She's a Muffin Kandi moves in with Alan, causing tension in the house.
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S03E20 Always a Bridesmaid, Never a Burro Charlie is sleeping with Kandi's mother as Alan tries to win Kandi back.
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S03E21 And the Plot Moistens Alan finds he has more in common with Jake's teacher than with Kandi.
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S03E22 Just Once with Aunt Sophie Charlie and Alan help Jake prepare for his first boy-girl party.
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S03E23 Arguments for the Quickie Charlie's ex-girlfriend, Mia, comes back in town with an unexpected request, which Charlie follows with an unexpected question of his own.
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S03E24 That Pistol-Packin' Hermaphrodite Charlie and Mia plan their wedding.
Season
Season 4
24 episodes
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S04E01 Working for Caligula Now that newlywed Alan has moved out, Charlie returns to his bachelor lifestyle.
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S04E02 Who's Vod Kanockers? Charlie finally tells Alan the truth about why he broke up with Mia, and a famous neighbor causes problems.
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S04E03 The Sea Is a Harsh Mistress After nearly drowning, Charlie is convinced he saw his late father.
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S04E04 A Pot Smoking Monkey Alan and Kandi become embroiled in an unconventional custody battle.
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S04E05 A Live Woman of Proven Fertility Alan and Charlie bond with Judith's new fiancé in an effort to improve his relationship with Jake.
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S04E06 Apologies for the Frivolity Charlie cannot see that he's dating a younger version of his mother.
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S04E07 Repeated Blows to His Unformed Head Charlie helps Berta confront the man who impregnated her daughter, while Alan indulges an unusual fetish.
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S04E08 Release the Dogs Alan seeks a cure for his insomnia, while Charlie pursues the mother of Jake's new girlfriend.
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S04E09 Corey's Been Dead for an Hour Ladies' man Charlie and tightwad Alan go on a double date, leaving Jake home alone for the first time.
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S04E10 Kissing Abraham Lincoln Charlie must choose between his girlfriend and his housekeeper, while Alan looks to sell Kandi's condo but sex keeps getting in the way.
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S04E11 Walnuts and Demerol Charlie finds himself throwing an unplanned, unwanted holiday party as Evelyn tries to keep him from bedding his date.
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S04E12 Castrating Sheep in Montana Berta discovers that Alan has been secretly dating her daughter.
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S04E13 Don't Worry, Speed Racer When Jake tells Charlie and Alan that he often overhears Judith and Herb having sex, it triggers a repressed memory for Charlie.
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S04E14 That's Summer Sausage, Not Salami Charlie has second thoughts after setting Alan up with their hot new neighbor.
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S04E15 My Damn Stalker When Rose announces she is moving to London, Charlie must face his true feelings for her. Meanwhile, Alan tries online dating with unforeseen results.
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S04E16 Young People Have Phlegm Too Charlie tries to keep up with a much younger woman.
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S04E17 I Merely Slept with a Commie When Charlie and Alan tell Evelyn they don't think anyone would mourn at her funeral, she replaces them with unlikely surrogates.
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S04E18 It Never Rains in Hooterville Realizing Jake's childhood is almost over, Alan makes a last minute attempt at father-son bonding.
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S04E19 Smooth As a Ken Doll As Judith's and Herb's wedding nears, Charlie gets close to Herb's witty sister.
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S04E20 Aunt Myra Doesn't Pee a Lot Alan prepares Jake for Judith's wedding, while Charlie continues his fling with Herb's sister, Myra,.
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S04E21 Tucked, Taped and Gorgeous Alan befriends Greg, a gay single dad, causing Alan and Charlie to re-examine their own sexual identities. Meanwhile, Jake has a crush on Greg's daughter, Sophie. Jane Lynch also guest stars as Charlie's therapist.
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S04E22 Mr. McGlue's Feedbag Jake comes into a windfall when Charlie takes him to the track, and Alan is stuck in that special hell known as the Department of Motor Vehicles.
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S04E23 Anteaters. They're Just Crazy-lookin Charlie loses a girl to a young, handsome handyman, who is working at his house.
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S04E24 Prostitutes and Gelato Charlie and Alan must confront their "daddy issues" when Evelyn's new boyfriend invites them to Vegas on his private jet.
Season
Season 5
19 episodes
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S05E01 Large Birds, Spiders and Mom Charlie and Alan try to prepare Jake for his first day of Junior High, but may wind up traumatizing him instead.
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S05E02 Media Room Slash Dungeon Charlie reacts oddly after an evening with his mother, and Alan's date reacts oddly after having sex with him.
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S05E03 Dum Diddy Dum Diddy Doo Suffering from bimbo fatigue, Charlie lets Alan set him up with a woman his own age.
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S05E04 City of Great Racks Charlie gets closer to consummating his relationship with Linda, but begins to see Rose's face everywhere he turns.
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S05E05 Putting Swim Fins on a Cat Charlie has to find creative ways to entertain his girlfriend's 4-year-old son, while Alan becomes a human guinea pig.
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S05E06 Help Daddy Find His Toenail Charlie's girlfriend is embarrassed to be seen with him in public. Meanwhile, Jake sneaks out to a concert despite Alan's forbiddance.
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S05E07 Our Leather Gear Is in the Guest Room Charlie and Alan butt heads over Alan's place in the house, prompting Alan and Jake to move in with Evelyn.
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S05E08 Is There a Mrs. Waffles? Charlie finds success as a children's singing star, which makes Alan miserable.
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S05E09 Tight's Good Charlie tries to resist his attraction to his soon-to-be step sister.
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S05E10 Kinda Like Necrophilia Alan seeks revenge when he discovers that Charlie stole his high school girlfriend.
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S05E11 Meander to Your Dander Charlie coaches Alan in the fine art of breaking up with a woman.
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S05E12 A Little Clammy and None Too Fresh Rose is back from England and takes very strange care of a very sick Charlie.
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S05E13 The Soil Is Moist Alan dates one of his ex-wife's friends who reveals a secret about Judith's sex life.
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S05E14 Winky-Dink Time Charlie goes with Jake on a double date and sets Alan up with a prostitute.
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S05E15 Rough Night in Hump Junction Alan worries that Charlie's womanizing is out of control.
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S05E16 Look at Me, Mommy, I'm Pretty Alan plans Evelyn's wedding while Charlie pursues his future step-sister.
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S05E17 Fish in a Drawer The team from CSI investigates a mysterious death at Charlie's house.
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S05E18 If My Hole Could Talk Charlie finds himself attracted to an older woman who writes self-help books, while Alan and Jake battle over a school assignment.
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S05E19 Waiting for the Right Snapper Charlie tries to resist temptation when he meets the grown daughter of the woman he's dating and realizes they've met before.
Season
Season 6
24 episodes
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S06E01 Taterhead Is Our Love Child Charlie encounters an ex whose son looks an awful lot like him.
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S06E02 Pie Hole, Herb Alan lends Charlie money and crosses a line in his attempts to get it back.
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S06E03 Damn You, Eggs Benedict Charlie tries cooking, Alan tries dating two women at the same time and Jake tries beer.
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S06E04 The Flavin' and the Mavin' Charlie romances Alan's sweet receptionist as Alan anxiously awaits disaster.
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S06E05 A Jock Strap in Hell The guys bump into Jake's former teacher who became a stripper after a fling with Charlie. Charlie tries to help her out by giving her a room and a job, but things spiral out of control.
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S06E06 It's Always Nazi Week When Judith kicks Herb to the curb, Alan comes knocking.
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S06E07 Best H.O. Money Can Buy Alan tries to escape Judith's grasp as Charlie and Herb go on the prowl.
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S06E08 Pinocchio's Mouth Charlie's new girlfriend asks him to spend the night at her place, while Alan tries to enforce a punishment on Jake.
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S06E09 The Mooch at the Boo Jake disappears with the daughter of Charlie's neighbor, a former NFL player, and Charlie is left to cover his back. Meanwhile, Alan scores a hot date with the help of Charlie's Mercedes.
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S06E10 He Smelled the Ham, He Got Excited Evelyn offers to pay for Jake's college education, leaving Alan to wonder if he ever needs to work again.
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S06E11 The Devil's Lube One of Charlie's old partners in crime dies, leaving Charlie to reevaluate his own reckless lifestyle.
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S06E12 Thank God for Scoliosis Charlie and Jake fight for the affections of a waitress, while Alan fights sexual tension with his receptionist.
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S06E13 I Think You Offended Don Judith is pregnant with a baby girl and Alan is convinced that he is the father. Meanwhile, Jake is in a contentious mood and Charlie thinks he knows why.
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S06E14 David Copperfield Slipped Me a Roofie Convinced that Alan's family doesn't fully appreciate him, Melissa invites Alan to live with her and her mom.
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S06E15 I'd Like to Start with the Cat Charlie finds himself in couples counseling.
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S06E16 She'll Still Be Dead at Halftime Charlie has to remove a half-naked woman from his bedroom before Chelsea arrives.
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S06E17 The 'Ocu' or the 'Pado'? Charlie tells Chelsea that he loves her, but doesn't get the response he expects.
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S06E18 My Son's Enormous Head When Chelsea gets sick and Charlie has to take care of her, he must also fight the overwhelming urge to flee.
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S06E19 The Two Finger Rule Charlie joins Alan, Herb and his next door neighbor in a night of alcohol-fueled sexual reminiscences after Chelsea finds nude pictures of another woman on his phone.
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S06E20 Hello, I Am Alan Cousteau Evelyn finally meets Chelsea and Charlie, and tries to prevent them from becoming friends.
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S06E21 Above Exalted Cyclops Chelsea sets Alan up on a blind date with her new friend. Rose.
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S06E22 Sir Lancelot's Litter Box Charlie reluctantly agrees to let Chelsea move in as he mourns the loss of his bachelor pad. Meanwhile, Alan finds that there's not much space left for him in the house.
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S06E23 Good Morning, Mrs. Butterworth Alan and Chelsea become best buds, and Charlie decides to take advantage of the situation.
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S06E24 Baseball with Better Steroids Charlie starts to question his relationship with Chelsea when he hears that Mia is back in town. Meanwhile, Judith goes into labor and Charlie, Alan and Herb rush her to the hospital.
Season
Season 7
22 episodes
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S07E01 818-jklpuzo Charlie must decide between his fiancée, Chelsea, and his old flame, Mia.
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S07E02 Whipped Unto the Third Generation When Charlie's fiancée, Chelsea, convinces him to let Melissa, Alan's girlfriend, move in, the girls take over the house.
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S07E03 Mmm, Fish. Yum. Alan plays nursemaid to Judith's baby and her tipsy mother. Meanwhile, Jake blackmails Charlie with an incriminating photo.
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S07E04 Laxative Tester, Horse Inseminator Alan takes a job working for Evelyn, and Charlie is forced to mend Chelsea and Jake's rocky relationship.
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S07E05 For the Sake of the Child Jake refuses to stay with Charlie and Alan after they embarrass him in public.
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S07E06 Give Me Your Thumb Alan recommends that Chelsea get breast reduction surgery and Charlie kicks him out.
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S07E07 Untainted by Filth Charlie and Alan wake up together in bed with a strange woman.
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S07E08 Gorp. Fnark. Schmegle. Chelsea invites her beautiful college roommate to stay at the house while she gets over a bad breakup.
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S07E09 Captain Terry's Spray-On Hair Charlie is crushed when he discovers he hasn't been satisfying Chelsea and Alan attempts to cure his thinning hair on the cheap.
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S07E10 That's Why They Call It Ball Room Charlie discovers that Chelsea hasn't been completely honest about her finances.
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S07E11 Warning, It's Dirty Charlie coaches Jake on the art of infidelity while his girlfriend is away for Christmas.
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S07E12 Fart Jokes, Pie and Celeste Jake writes love songs to woo his ex-girlfriend, and Herb and Alan hide their secret friendship from Judith's watchful eye.
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S07E13 Yay, No Polyps! Charlie endures a colonoscopy to get out of a trip to see Chelsea's bigoted parents, only to return home and find them in his living room.
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S07E14 Crude and Uncalled For Alan ends up in jail after a bar fight, and Charlie worries that Chelsea might be interested in the lawyer who takes the case.
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S07E15 Aye, Aye, Captain Charlie's jealousy threatens his relationship with Chelsea.
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S07E16 Tinkle Like a Princess Charlie runs off to Vegas and returns with a new wife, but she's not Chelsea.
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S07E17 I Found Your Moustache Charlie and Chelsea have a post-breakup one-night stand.
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S07E18 Ixnay on the Oggie Day Charlie has a return engagement with Chelsea's best friend, while Alan has an unexpected effect on a new female patient.
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S07E19 Keith Moon Is Vomiting in His Grave Jake's new friend, Eldridge, is a bad influence but Alan really likes his hot mom.
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S07E20 I Called Him Magoo Alan tries for an intimate night at a hotel with his new girlfriend, while Charlie takes a different approach to obtain the "girlfriend experience".
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S07E21 Gumby with a Pokey Alan and Jake go on a road trip while Charlie is visited by the ghosts of girlfriends past.
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S07E22 This Is Not Gonna End Well Jake becomes Charlie's driver after Charlie has his license suspended, and to Charlie's chagrin, Alan makes plans to attend Chelsea's birthday party,.
Season
Season 8
16 episodes
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S08E01 Three Girls and a Guy Named Bud When Jake finds out that Alan has been dating Eldridge's mom, he packs up and heads to Judith and Herb's. Meanwhile, Charlie decides it's time to cut back on boozing.
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S08E02 A Bottle of Wine and a Jackhammer When Lindsey asks Alan to move in with her, Charlie will do anything to get Alan to say "yes".
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S08E03 A Pudding-Filled Cactus Alan moves in with Lyndsey but continues to have a rendezvous with Melissa at Charlie's house.
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S08E04 Hookers, Hookers, Hookers Lyndsey and Eldridge move into Charlie's house after Alan burns down their home.
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S08E05 The Immortal Mr. Billy Joel Alan goes out on the town pretending to be Charlie, while Charlie sneaks off for some cosmetic surgery.
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S08E06 Twanging Your Magic Clanger Charlie has trouble adjusting to dating a slightly older woman.
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S08E07 The Crazy Bitch Gazette Charlie's past comes back to bite him when his girlfriend decides that his stalker, Rose, is just too much to handle.
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S08E08 Springtime on a Stick Charlie and Alan try to set up Evelyn with Russell, the pharmacist.
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S08E09 A Good Time in Central Africa When Berta takes a couple of days off, Charlie falls for her replacement. Meanwhile, Alan believes he's being stalked by Lyndsey's ex-husband.
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S08E10 Ow, Ow, Don't Stop Charlie goes on a spending spree for his old fling, Courtney, who shows up after three years in prison for conning him out of money.
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S08E11 Dead from the Waist Down Alan is ashamed that he can't afford to buy Lyndsey a birthday present, so he gets creative.
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S08E12 Chocolate Diddlers or My Puppy's Dead When Charlie and Courtney break up, Charlie falls into a depression and goes to see his psychiatrist.
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S08E13 Skunk, Dog, Crap and Ketchup When Charlie and Lyndsey start becoming friendly, Alan's paranoia gets the best of him.
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S08E14 Lookin' for Japanese Subs Charlie's obsession with the newly "married" Rose leads him to stalk her. Meanwhile, Alan grows concerned when Jake and Eldridge start videotaping stupid and extremely dangerous stunts.
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S08E15 Three Hookers and a Philly Cheesesteak While Charlie and Rose carry on their "affair," Alan's chiropractic business turns into a Ponzi scheme.
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S08E16 That Darn Priest Rose uncovers Alan's Ponzi scheme and Alan, in turn, meets "Manny," Rose's mannequin "husband." Meanwhile, Charlie is eager to get some alone time with Rose.
Season
Season 9
24 episodes
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S09E01 Nice to Meet You, Walden Schmidt Ashton Kutcher joins the cast as Walden Schmidt, an internet billionaire with a broken heart.
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S09E02 People Who Love Peepholes Judy Greer is introduced as Bridget, Walden's ex-wife.
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S09E03 Big Girls Don't Throw Food Alan prepares Walden for a date with Bridget, while Jake decides to emulate Walden and drop out of school.
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S09E04 Nine Magic Fingers Trying to rebound from his recent separation, Walden goes looking for Mrs. Right, while Alan has an opportunity to reconcile with Lyndsey.
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S09E05 A Giant Cat Holding a Churro Alan struggles to come to terms with Lyndsey's risque movie past, and Walden tries to cheer him up by throwing a party at the house.
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S09E06 The Squat and the Hover Walden receives divorce papers from Bridget, but forgets his depression when he meets a girl who looks eerily like her.
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S09E07 Those Fancy Japanese Toilets Jake has a crush on his chemistry tutor, who has a crush on Walden. Meanwhile, Alan obsesses over the journal his brother left him in his will.
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S09E08 Thank You for the Intercourse When Walden begins redecorating the beach house, Alan becomes overly emotional.
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S09E09 Frodo's Headshots Upon his release from the hospital, Alan is met with a slew of challenges that test his ability to cope.
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S09E10 A Fishbowl Full of Glass Eyes Walden hits it off with a British babe, but neither of them is sure he's ready to re-enter the dating world.
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S09E11 What a Lovely Landing Strip Walden is trying his best to impress his new love interest when Bridget reappears in his life.
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S09E12 One False Move, Zimbabwe! Walden's mother arrives and Alan is smitten with her, even as she reveals a secret about Walden's past that sends him into a downward spiral.
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S09E13 Slowly and in a Circular Fashion When Walden's ex-wife and his mother try to take control of his company, he tries to enlist Alan as an ally.
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S09E14 A Possum on Chemo Zoey tries to coerce Walden into cutting his hair and shaving. Meanwhile, Alan and Lyndsey rekindle their relationship.
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S09E15 The Duchess of Dull-in-Sack Walden tries to loosen up Zoey by sharing a couple of Berta's special brownies.
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S09E16 Sips, Sonnets and Sodomy Strained relationships and girl-fighting result when a huge storm traps Walden, Alan, Zoey and Lyndsey in the house on Valentine's Day.
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S09E17 Not in My Mouth! Walden and Zoey's relationship suffers after they share a near-death experience. Meanwhile, Alan wonders if Lyndsey has a drinking problem.
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S09E18 The War Against Gingivitis Things get tense in the Malibu house when Walden's estranged ex-business partner shows up looking to bury the hatchet.
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S09E19 Palmdale, Ech Alan and Lyndsey introduce their mothers to one another. Meanwhile, Jake and Eldridge enlist Walden to drive them to a high school party.
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S09E20 Grandma's Pie Walden breaks the news to Zoey that he is going into business with his ex-wife. Meanwhile, Alan and Lyndsey try to come to terms with their moms' new relationship.
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S09E21 Mr. Hose Says 'Yes' Walden's commitment is tested when Zoey and her daughter come to live with him. Meanwhile, Alan gets more than he bargained for when he moves in with Lyndsey.
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S09E22 Why We Gave Up Women After Alan suffers a minor heart attack, Charlie's ghost pays a visit to his hospital bedside.
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S09E23 The Straw in My Donut Hole Alan is showered with love and affection upon returning from the hospital, but Zoey isn't so sure it's deserved.
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S09E24 Oh Look! Al-Qaeda! Jake is pressured to make a decision about his future.
Season
Season 10
23 episodes
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S10E01 I Changed My Mind About the Milk Walden plans a big surprise for Zoey's birthday.
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S10E02 A Big Bag of Dog Following his break-up with Zoey, Walden has a breakdown.
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S10E03 Four Balls, Two Bats and One Mitt Alan and Lyndsey decide to spice things up in the bedroom.
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S10E04 You Do Know What the Lollipop's For Walden starts to feel his age when a friend's daughter comes to town.
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S10E05 That's Not What They Call It in Amsterdam Despite Alan's warnings, Walden starts dating Rose.
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S10E06 Ferrets, Attack! Walden has to choose between Rose and Zoey.
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S10E07 Avoid the Chinese Mustard Tired of the complications of a traditional relationship, Walden hires an actress to play the part of his girlfriend. Meanwhile, Jake and Missi plan a rendezvous at the beach house.
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S10E08 Something My Gynecologist Said Alan is hesitant to make a serious commitment to Lyndsey but gets inspiration from an unlikely source. Meanwhile, Walden enjoys being a boy-toy for a rich older woman.
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S10E09 I Scream When I Pee Alan's smokin' hot, famous ex-wife, Kandi, wants him back. Meanwhile, Berta isn't interested in celebrating her birthday, so Walden helps make it special.
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S10E10 One Nut Johnson Alan helps Walden create a new identity in order to find a woman who isn't just after his money.
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S10E11 Give Santa a Tail-Hole Walden juggles having two identities - rich man and poor man - and Alan finds himself alone at Christmas.
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S10E12 Welcome to Alancrest Using Walden's money, Alan invests in Kate's fashion line. Meanwhile, leading a double life starts to take its toll on Walden.
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S10E13 Grab a Feather and Get in Line Walden and Alan go to Kate's fashion show in New York so Walden can tell her the truth about his identity.
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S10E14 Run, Steven Staven! Run! Alan and Lyndsey's relationship is strained when he won't give her a key to the beach house. Meanwhile, Walden, Alan, Billy and Herb commiserate about women and relationships.
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S10E15 Paint It, Pierce It or Plug It Alan has concerns when Jake brings his 36-year-old girlfriend home for a visit. Meanwhile, Walden tries to keep a secret from Alan.
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S10E16 Advantage: Fat, Flying Baby Walden, depressed about being single on Valentine's Day, tries to convince Kate to give him another chance. Meanwhile, Alan's Valentine's Day plans take a turn for the worse.
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S10E17 Throgwarten Middle School Mysteries When Walden runs into his ex-wife at a high-end singles mixer and they talk about getting back together, Alan worries that she's not good for Walden.
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S10E18 The 9:04 from Pemberton Following a fight with Walden, Alan moves in with Herb.
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S10E19 Big Episode. Someone Stole a Spoon Walden and Alan try to cheer up a lonely Herb, but end up partying a little too hard.
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S10E20 Bazinga! That's from a TV Show When Jake cheats on his girlfriend with her 18-year-old daughter, Alan and Walden get caught in the crossfire.
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S10E21 Another Night with Neil Diamond Alan has trouble coping when Lyndsey dumps him and Walden must find a way to help him get back on his feet.
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S10E22 My Bodacious Vidalia When Walden encourages a depressed Alan to update his look and start dating again, Alan faces a moral dilemma when he attracts a married woman.
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S10E23 Cows, Prepare to Be Tipped Walden dates a hot 22-year-old woman, but finds himself more attracted to her worldly grandmother. Meanwhile, Alan and Jake go on a father-son bonding trip.
Season
Season 11
22 episodes
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S11E01 Nangnangnangnang Alan is shocked when Charlie's 25-year-old daughter shows up at Walden's beach house to connect with what's left of her family, and who happens to like everything her dad liked - including women.
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S11E02 I Think I Banged Lucille Ball When Walden feels cramped in his own house, Jenny moves in with Evelyn and her boyfriend, Marty. Meanwhile, Alan becomes Lyndsey's "other man".
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S11E03 This Unblessed Biscuit Walden and Alan think it may be time for Berta to retire when she injures her back at work.
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S11E04 Clank, Clank, Drunken Skank Walden starts partying with Jenny and her hot friends. Meanwhile, Alan and Lyndsey's illicit affair is jeopardized.
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S11E05 Alan Harper, Pleasing Women Since 2003 Alan befriends Lyndsey's boyfriend in an effort to find out what he has that Alan doesn't. Meanwhile, Walden helps Jenny be more proactive in pursuing her acting career.
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S11E06 Justice in Star-Spangled Hot Pants When Alan learns Walden knows Lynda Carter, he asks him to set him up on a date with her. Against his better judgment, Walden agrees to invite her to the house for dinner.
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S11E07 Some Kind of Lesbian Zombie Walden and Alan find themselves on dates with two ideal women until Lyndsey's jealousy throws a wrench in their evening.
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S11E08 Mr. Walden, He Die. I Clean Room. Alan and Lyndsey's illicit affair puts Walden in danger, forcing him to accept Rose's help.
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S11E09 Numero Uno Accidente Lawyer Walden's date with an accident-prone model goes longer than expected. Meanwhile, Alan dates a woman who shares some surprising personal information with him.
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S11E10 On Vodka, on Soda, on Blender, on Mixer! Walden helps Jenny get a second date with a one-night stand and Alan's transgender girlfriend's ex-wife hits on him. Meanwhile, in the spirit of the holidays, Alan receives a Japanese delicacy from Jake for Christmas, and Walden's Malibu house is alive with questionable Christmas carol lyrics.
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S11E11 Tazed in the Lady Nuts Walden joins his beautiful former employee on a brilliant new project. Meanwhile, Alan advises Jenny to open up to her girlfriend or risk losing her.
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S11E12 Baseball. Boobs. Boobs. Baseball. Alan lets Lyndsey's boyfriend Larry set him up on a date. Meanwhile, Walden offers to help Nicole with her software project so she'll have time to date him.
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S11E13 Bite Me, Supreme Court After Marty proposes to Evelyn, Walden and Alan throw him a bachelor party with several of his old friends.
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S11E14 Three Fingers of Crème de Menthe Alan learns that Lyndsey broke up with Larry and didn't tell him. Meanwhile, Walden sets out to prove that he's a man's man.
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S11E15 Cab Fare and a Bottle of Penicillin Alan gives Lyndsey the option of choosing between him and Larry. Meanwhile, Jenny fears she and Brooke are growing apart.
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S11E16 How to Get Rid of Alan Harper "How To Get Rid of Alan Harper"- Walden suspects his new girlfriend is cheating on him. Meanwhile, Alan gets even more intertwined in Lyndsey and Larry's relationship when he starts dating Larry's sister, Gretchen.
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S11E17 Welcome Home, Jake Lyndsey discovers that Alan is sleeping with Larry's sister, Gretchen. Meanwhile, Walden struggles with telling Barry to find his own place.
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S11E18 West Side Story Walden gets an invitation to his ex-girlfriend's boutique opening. Meanwhile, Gretchen wants to spend more time at Alan's house.
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S11E19 Lan Mao Shi Zai Wuding Shang Walden reconnects with Kate and is sure she's "The One" - that is, until he meets Vivian and becomes convinced she's "The One." Meanwhile, Alan and Gretchen grow closer.
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S11E20 Lotta Delis in Little Armenia Alan stumbles upon an opportunity to make money. Meanwhile, Walden has to address his co-dependency issues.
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S11E21 Dial 1-900-Mix-a-Lot Alan's girlfriend, Gretchen, insists he confess his true identity to Larry. Meanwhile, Walden goes on a road trip with Jenny and Barry to see his first car.
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S11E22 Oh WALD-E, Good Times Ahead Alan confesses his true identity to Larry and has to face the consequences.
Season
Season 12
16 episodes
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S12E01 The Ol' Mexican Spinach Following a health scare on Halloween, Walden decides to reprioritize his life with Alan's help.
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S12E02 A Chic Bar in Ibiza When Walden asks Alan to sign a pre-nup, Alan gets offended and has second thoughts about getting married.
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S12E03 Glamping in a Yurt Alan and Walden have a meeting with an adoption social worker that hinges on them being convincing as a loving couple. Meanwhile, Lyndsey returns after 60 days in rehab.
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S12E04 Thirty-Eight, Sixty-Two, Thirty-Eight Walden and Alan meet a birth mother who's considering them to adopt her baby.
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S12E05 Oontz. Oontz. Oontz. Walden decides to foster a 6-year-old boy, but begins to doubt himself when they don't bond like he expected.
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S12E06 Alan Shot a Little Girl When Alan realizes Louis thinks he's cool, he starts breaking Walden's rules in order to stay that way.
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S12E07 Sex with an Animated Ed Asner Alan and Walden befriend three moms at a kids' gym, but things get complicated when Walden becomes attracted to one of them. Meanwhile, Alan goes out for a girls' night with a group of moms.
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S12E08 Family, Bublé, Deep-fried Turkey Walden and Alan are determined to convince Louis that Santa Claus is real.
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S12E09 Bouncy, Bouncy, Bouncy, Lyndsey Walden discovers how challenging it is to be intimate with women when his foster son, Louis, is in the house. Also, Herb asks Alan if he can go on a date with Lyndsey.
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S12E10 Here I Come, Pants! Alan takes it upon himself to help Walden keep Louis after the social worker discovers he and Walden are not really a gay couple.
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S12E11 For Whom the Booty Calls Walden joins a group for adoptive fathers, and finds it to be a nice escape from Alan.
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S12E12 A Beer-Battered Rip-Off When Alan breaks up with their social worker to get back together with Lyndsey, Walden worries it will affect Louis' adoption.
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S12E13 Boompa Loved His Hookers Walden fears if he breaks up with Ms. McMartin, it will jeopardize his adoption of Louis. Also, Alan hesitates when Lyndsey asks him to move in with her.
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S12E14 Don't Give a Monkey a Gun After they sign their divorce papers, Walden offers Alan the gift of his choice, but when Alan chooses something selfish and impractical, it puts his relationship with Lyndsey on the line.
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S12E15 Of Course He's Dead - Part One Charlie Harper is alive. Or is he?
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S12E16 Of Course He's Dead - Part Two The series finale recalls the life—and presumed death—of Charlie Harper.